Dust From Heaven
by drunkenfucker
Summary: Emma Swan is slowly getting consumed by the darkness. Not the darkness you would think though, but Regina is still the one who's there to attempt to save her from herself. TW for eating disorders and depression
1. Chapter 1

**I have no idea why I'm doing this. I guess I'm using this as some kind of therapy. If you actually read this, English is not my first language so please don't get too angry if this is filled with errors lol.**

 **TW for some dark shit. I guess it's going to touch some kind of eating disorder and depression. I know it's not exactly in character for these ladies, but again it's just my form for therapy.**

* * *

"Will you please shut up?!", Emma was in the middle of an argument with her parents. It had become more regular with these fights lately, and she already knew how it would end.

"Emma, will you please try to listen to us? You need to spend more time with us, we're your parents and we need our little-", Mary Margaret didn't get any further than that before Emma walked as calm as she could out the door and slammed it shut after her.

She had to get out and clear her head. Tears were burning in her eyes and threatening to stream down her cheeks. Not because she was feeling very sad, more because she was angry and tired. She was tired of nobody listening to her and understanding what she was going through. The pressure she had on her shoulders was something she wasn't used to. Being Henry's mother was one thing, but also Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter, the Saviour, a princess and the Sherriff was all too much. It was way too much responsibility and now she was getting yelled at because she once again couldn't handle it.

Somehow her parents always made her feel like a disappointment. She knew they didn't mean it like that, but that's how they always left her feeling about herself. Emma walked outside and started running to clear her mind. This always worked. Running had a calming effect on her. As she ran down the street and towards the woods, she saw Regina leaving Granny's with a coffee in her hand. The older woman stopped for a second and watched as Emma made her way further down the street and finally disappeared out of sight.

* * *

 _3 weeks later_

Henry had noticed a change in his birth mother the last couple of months. It started off as small signs. Emma chose to spend less time with him and his grandparents and more time working. She was always working or running in the forest. It was like she was avoiding spending time home at the loft with his grandparents. Henry couldn't help but feel slightly rejected by his own mother, but on the other hand he had Regina, who had always been there since his birth. He knew how much she loved him and was finally starting to return her love. Despite this, he couldn't help questioning Emma's recent activities and even wondering if he was the one there was something wrong with.

And of course Regina noticed the difference in her not so little boy anymore. She didn't say anything, and waited until he was ready to come to her. As they were eating dinner a Thursday night, he finally said something.

"There is something wrong with Emma", he simply stated as he picked at his meal.

"What do you mean, dear?" Regina stopped eating and looked at her son. He looked up at her and shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't exactly know what is wrong with her, but she's not acting as she usually is", he answered before he continued his meal.

Regina knew he was right. She had also noticed the slightly changed attitude of the blonde woman who used to challenge her on a daily level. The woman seemed to have retreated from her aggressive front and close to never tried to return the accusations Regina threw her way. It made Regina (stusse) a bit, but she figured it was none of her business and continued on with her life as usual. Even though she had to admit she kind of missed the blonde being her usual self and actually stand up to her as no one else had before. She couldn't even recall having seen the blonde after she had spotted her running off towards the forest, and that was about three weeks ago.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Regina asked Henry as they loaded the dishes into the dishwasher when they were finished with the meal.

Henry shrugged again and looked hesitantly at her, "I don't know. You might make it worse. I have already tried to ask her if anything's wrong, but she keeps saying no, so maybe you can try? She might actually listen to you".

Regina highly doubted that, but if her son asked her to she would try.

"I will talk to her tomorrow, okay?"

Henry nodded with a smile and quickly gave her a hug before running off to finish his homework.

* * *

Regina walked towards the station with the usual coffee in her hand. She opened the door and slowly made her way to the desk where Emma sat. Regina stopped for a second and took in the sight in front of her. The woman who usually glowed with confidence and self esteem now seemed to be gone, and replaced with a ridiculous version of the Emma Swan she knew. The blonde woman had her head rested in her hands, slowly rubbing her temples like she had a headache. She didn't even react to the sound of Regina's heels clicking down the hall towards her. Something was off with her, and Regina instantly knew it.

"Miss Swan," Regina said in a stern tone and watched as Emma slowly turned around and stood up. She watched Emma when her eyes flickered around the room, trying to focus. The woman in front of her blinked a few times and steadied herself to the desk, trying to make it unnoticeable, but of course Regina noticed.

"What are you doing here, Regina?"

"Emma, you honestly look sick"

"Gee, thanks, Regina." The lack of sarcasm in her voice had Regina wondering what was going on. That, and the look of her. Emma avoided Regina's gaze as the woman was taking in the looks of her. She wasn't kidding when she had said Emma looked sick. Her hair lacked the usual shine, she had dark rings under her eyes, her lips were dry and chipped, and her cheeks had sunken in like she had lost weight.

"My… Your… _Our_ son is worried about you, Miss Swan".

"Can you please just call me Emma?"

"You're changing the topic". Emma sighed and finally looked her in the eyes.

"Look, I've not been sleeping well, that's all. I'm tired and I want to get back to work. Please tell Henry not to worry. I'm fine."

"Take my coffee then", Regina offered and held out her cup like it was the most normal thing to do.

"What's in it?" Emma asked as Regina lifted her eyebrow. This was definitely not the woman she thought she knew.

"My usual. Black coffee with fat-free milk."

"I prefer mine just black, so no thanks". Emma watched as Regina sat the coffee down at her desk.

"Henry wants you to join us for dinner tonight. Be there at 6 sharp", Regina said before she turned around and left the station.

Emma finally sat down in her chair and let out a deep breath. It had taken her a lot more than she would like to admit to stand for that long and pretend everything was just fine. She looked at the coffee and debated with herself if she should drink it. Then she remembered the dinner she was supposed to attend later that day and threw her coffee in the trash. She could feel the dizziness take her by surprise when she stood up to reach the trashcan, but chose to ignore it before she finally returned to her chair. Her stomach growled from the never-ending hunger she was feeling lately, and Emma couldn't help but smile. This was going to be an interesting day.


	2. Chapter 2

**IDK somehow I always end up writing this shit when I'm drunk. I don't deal with these feelings when I'm sober, so please don't expect an update whilst I'm sober because that's just not going to happen...I think! Thanks to everyone who are following this story, idk why you're doing it but you're still awesome! I blame every spelling mistake in this story on my drunkenness hehehe.**

 **Also I have no idea why the spelling thing is constantly editing the lasagna part to lasagne but you know what I mean so it's good, right?**

* * *

Emma decided to walk the way to Regina's house for the dinner. She had been running around all day, chasing dogs and "bad guys". The exhaustion was now settling in her bones, making it hard to move her feet. She focused on zoning out and not focus on the pain in her stomach or the weird feeling in her head, and concentrated on moving her feet. Suddenly she was in front of the entrance door. Her clock showed 7:59 so for once she would actually be on time. Two knocks on the door were all it took before the door opened and a grinning Henry met her.

"Ma! Come in, we're ready to eat." Henry waited as Emma closed the door behind her and took off her jacket and shoes before following him into the dining room. Emma looked at the table and back to Henry. It was lasagne, Regina's special, and Emma didn't know exactly how to feel about that. She used to love Regina's lasagne, but now she couldn't get herself to look forward to this meal. She kept silent as she sat down and stared at her plate. It was still empty before Regina cleared her throat.

"The guest first", she declared as she stared at Emma. She shook her head as she filled her plate with the lasagne and the salad that came with it. ¾ of her plate was filled up with salad, and Emma stared proudly at her plate while Henry and Regina filled their own plates. Emma could see Henry staring at her plate before looking at Regina, who followed Emma with her eyes as she shovelled food into her own mouth.

Emma chose to ignore the looks she got and focused on her plate. She had came far too long to actually give into this temptation, and chose to chop up her food in tiny pieces and playing with her food, shifting it around her plate. The sound of Regina and Henry chewing and slicing up the food was starting to get to her as she shoved her own food another round around the edge of her plate. Even if it was only salad, the thought of actually putting it into her own mouth was getting too much.

"So, Emma how is the food?" Regina asks when she finally had swallowed the last piece of lasagne from her own plate. Emma looked like she was deep in thoughts, and didn't answer as she continued to push the food around the plate. Henry gave Regina a worried glance before staring at his other mother. Regina noticed the change is her son's behaviour and once again cleared her throat.

"Emma, could you please stop playing with your food and actually eat it? I'd figure you were starving by now, if lunch was the last time you ate."

Emma finally looked up and blinked a few times in confusion. Then she almost laughed when she realized what Regina had just said. If only she knew when the last time she ate was. Emma pierced through a piece of the salad and forced the fork to her lips. She could almost feel Henry staring through her as she did this, and she could feel her head exploding. She couldn't do this. But it was only salad, it wasn't even that much, and the rational part of her reminded her that she actually needed the nutrition to keep going. On the other hand she had done so well, and she just couldn't ruin it now.

If she took this bite, she would not be able to stop. It was either everything or nothing. She knew she would hate herself if she did it, but right now she felt like she had no choice. Her son was staring at her, waiting for her to put the food in her mouth. She was so close to putting the fork down and telling them she wasn't feeling well. But she didn't. Instead she gave into the temptation and hurried to eat all of the salad before starting on the actual lasagne. It all went so fast she couldn't process what actually happened before the plate was empty in front of her and she stared at it in disbelief.

"Uhm… It was good. Thank you so much Regina, the food was delicious", Emma said as she shook her head slightly.

"Henry, I think it's time for you to finish your homework", Regina said slowly and gave her son the look he couldn't misunderstand. He nodded as he rose to his feet.

"Good night moms", he said before he hurried out of the room and disappeared upstairs.

The two women sat in silence for a moment. Regina observed, as Emma grew more and more uncomfortable where she sat. Emma just couldn't take her eyes off the plate she had just finished in about two minutes. It was so much food, and she had just eaten it all without a second thought. She felt the anxiety grow inside her, as fast as the feeling of being full. When she the realization of what had just happened hit her, the feeling of being paralyzed started to kick in. Her breath started to act weird; it was shorter and more forced. The light sweat on her forehead revealed how much she disliked being in the situation she currently was in. She thought about the food, slowly making its way down to her stomach. In the end it would be taken up by her body and add more fat to her body. Just the thought of that was enough to make her sick to her stomach.

A hand on her shoulder brought her back to her current location. In Regina's dining room. Henry had gone to do homework, and Regina was alone with her. Emma looked up at the mayor and forced a smile to her lips.

"Dinner was delicious, but I think I have to go. Unless you need help with the dishes, in that case I'm happy to stay." That was a lie though. She wasn't happy to stay. She had to get out of here as fast as possible, and she would do anything to get Regina's hand off her shoulder and be able to run out of her house.

"I think we should go to the living room and talk a bit. Maybe try to breathe as you walk in there. I wouldn't like to have you passed out on my floor and have our son coming downstairs to find you like that and think I poisoned you", Regina said slowly as she removed her hand. Why she had touched the other woman was beyond her, but she had looked so lost in thought and when she hadn't answered when Regina tried to gain her attention she had seen no other way to get her attention.

Emma rose quickly to her feet when Regina removed her hand from her shoulder. And that might have been just a bit too quickly. When Emma made her way to the living room, she could feel her vision go black and her head felt as it was shrinking. It was the worst bit about this whole thing. She knew how it went, and as she stumbled forward without seeing anything she could barely hear Regina call out for her. Emma raised her hand to signal she was fine as the other one moved over her stomach and she leaned forward, slowly sinking down to the floor.

Regina didn't quite know how to act when the woman in front of her sunk down to her knees and finally rested her head in her palms. She knew something was off with Emma, but didn't know exactly what. Henry was definitely right when he said something was wrong with his birth mother.

"I'm fine, just give me a second", Emma said when she finally regained her sight. The feeling of darkness in her head slowly disappeared, and she grabbed the doorframe right beside her as she rose to her feet again. Emma couldn't actually say that she hated this feeling. It was actually a feeling she loved. It reminded her of what she had achieved so far, and how she actually made changes with her current choice of lifestyle.

"Will you need assistance to the couch, or can you make it there yourself?" Regina asked as she made her way to stand beside Emma, ready to catch her if she was going to fall again.

"I'm fine", Emma said quickly as she made her way to the couch and dumped down. The exhaustion was written all over her face, but Regina chose, for once, to not comment on how terrible the blonde looked.

"Do you want to talk about what just happened?" The relationship between herself and Emma had slowly changed over the years. Emma had in the end chosen to sacrifice herself for Regina's happiness, which made Regina respect the woman on a whole new level. And there were extremely few people who actually had Regina's respect. When she thought about it, it was only Henry and Emma as she could think of at least.

Emma shook her head as she stared at her hands that were currently folded in her lap.

"It was nothing. I'm probably just catching a cold or something. It will be over soon".

"I know when you're lying to me, so you might as well just tell me right now". Regina had sat down within a respectable distance to the blonde woman who looked like she could have a break down at any minute now.

"I'm not! Will you please shut up about it?! It was nothing, and if you don't need help with the dishes, I would like to get going now", Emma had a pleading look in her eyes. Regina had to take deep breath before she answered. The pain and helplessness in Emma's eyes felt so real, and she had no idea why the other woman was showing these emotions. It was as Emma could read her mind, because in the next second her face and eyes were completely blank. Like the emotions had never been there in the first place.

"I will not need help with the dishes. But Emma, if there was something bothering you, you would tell me, right?"

"Why on earth would I do that?" Emma answered with the best anger she could in her current situation. Anger was probably the only emotion she could fake right now. She was good at anger. Anger was a part of her. It was not like she was angry at Regina, because Emma would always find a way to fixate the anger towards herself instead. There was always a reason to be angry with herself, and she usually had no problem with finding one in the matter of seconds.

"Maybe because we're friends now? You were the one who said so in the first place, and even though I like to think that I have no friends, you would be the closest thing I have to a friend. And as shocking it might be to you, I would not like to see one of my friends hurt or struggling. If I'm not wrong it looked like you were struggling through the whole meal we just had with our son, and that's not like you. Believe it or not, but I've actually been paying attention to your behaviour, and that back there was not what I'd expect from you." Regina said this very calmly as she could see Emma was starting to boil with rage. She knew she had said too much, and braced herself for the response.

"We might be friends, and I'm glad to hear that you care or something, but it's nothing really. I'm fine. Except from the fact that I might be a bit tired from all the work I've been doing lately and I would like to get home to my apartment, or maybe even to visit my parents for once." The response had surprised Regina a bit, because the look on Emma's face did not actually match with her words. She chose to ignore that for this time and nodded slowly.

"Thank you for the meal, it was delightful", Emma said before rising form the couch and finding her way out. That last part made Regina freeze where she was sitting. She couldn't move to follow Emma to the door. The bitterness in Emma's voice was so clear that the younger woman might as well had spit poison in her face. Regina shrugged when she heard the door close, before she made her way to the kitchen to clean up after dinner.

* * *

Emma was running as fast as she could back to her own apartment. She had been so close to breaking down in Regina's house. The meal hadn't done her anything good. Why had she even showed up at her house? It wasn't Regina had forced her to show up. But she had used Henry, and of course Regina knew that Emma couldn't resist when it involved their son. When she looked back at the night's events… No she wouldn't even think of it. She couldn't let herself get dragged down by her own thoughts again. She kept running, one foot in front of the other. Her own apartment was in front of her way too soon. The few miles she had been running were nothing, but her head was spinning now and she couldn't do anything but making her way into her so called home. Of course the first thing she did was finding her way to the cabinet where she kept the alcohol. She grabbed the first bottle she found and dumped down on the couch.

Today had been a disaster. No, not the whole day. Just the night. The dinner. The food. The sneaky little calories. She tried to force herself not to think about them. The usual feeling of paranoia and disappointment in herself was slowly sinking in. Why did this have to happen with her once again? She was happy now. She was supposed to be happy. She had the perfect life. A lovely son, parents who loved her, friends who loved her, and of course her best friend, Regina, who never failed to challenge her, but always in the right ways. She wasn't supposed to go down this path again. Despite her better knowledge she knew where she was going to end up, and what kind of hell her everyday life was going to be from here. With this clear in her mind she opened the bottle and started to drown her sorrows in the alcohol. Emma almost laughed at herself as she realized her current situation.

She wasn't feeling sorry for herself. She knew she deserved this. But after all she needed to sleep, and she knew… She just knew so well that after tonight she wouldn't be able to sleep without the alcohol. As she sunk deeper into her own darkness, tears were starting to burn in her eyes. That only made her angrier with herself. She could not cry whatsoever. This was not the time to show weakness. Even to herself. But in the end, Emma had never felt more disappointed with herself than in that moment.

* * *

Regina couldn't sleep at all that night. She stayed up, wondering if she should call Emma to check if she was fine after she had stormed off earlier in the evening. In the end she chose not to. She didn't exactly know why, but it had to have something to do with the way Emma had left. She knew something was wrong with her friend, but she didn't want to push. Maybe she was just sick as she claimed to be. Of course that was just what Regina wanted it to be. She knew deep down that there was something bothering the younger woman, but it was clear to her that she didn't want to talk to her about it. As Regina tried to sleep, she thought about ways to figure out this whole situation. She even considered calling in Snow for help, but as soon as she thought that she wanted to hit herself in the head. Of course Snow was not the woman to bring into this situation, even if she was Emma's mother. Regina had to find this out on her own, and she felt a weird calming warmth spreading in her stomach as she planned out how to approach this situation.

If it was something she had learned about Emma Swan after all these years, it was that the woman never stopped to amaze her in every way possible. Even if this was going to ruin their relationship, Regina knew she had to do something, because something was not right, and she couldn't just sit around and watch as her friend disappeared in front of her.

As the alarm started to ring with that ever so annoying sound, Regina knew the following days, weeks or even months were going to be a challenging time for her and Emma's friendship. She got to her feet and got dressed for the day, hoping the other woman was in good shape after last night and ready for a new day. She knew with herself that she was going to do everything it would take to fix whatever was going on with her friend.


	3. Chapter 3

_Run._

 _Run while you can._

 _Run for your life._

 _Run._

 _Run._

 _Run._

It was the second night after the dinner at Regina's house. Sleep hadn't found its way to her on either Thursday or Friday night, but this night she actually managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time. That was until the voices started.. Emma rose from the bed in one quick movement, and debated for only one second if she should actually go for a run or drink some of her usual scotch and go back to sleep. She decided to go with the first. In two minutes she was starting to run from her apartment and towards the woods as usual.

Emma had her usual route, and felt a calming and familiar warmth spread throughout her body as she ran. A quick glance at her watch revealed it was only 4:17 in the morning. At least there were no other people awake at this time. Not even Regina.

The brunette deserved a special prize for her effort the last days. She had tried so hard to converse with Emma, offering to eat their lunch together, either at Granny's or in one of their offices. Emma had politely declined though. Every time she came up with a new excuse. She just couldn't get herself to say yes. She couldn't eat in front of the other woman. Couldn't let her see when she was weak and needed attention and care.

Emma just felt it as she didn't need the care and worry. Even if her parents were getting involved and had started questioning her recent behavior. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. So she ran. She ran for her life, through the woods. An hour passed, her breathing getting more and more forced and irregular. She continued running.

 _You can do better._

 _You're worthless, you need this._

 _Run._

 _Prove yourself._

 _Run._

 _Run._

 _RUN._

And run she did. She ran to the point where her feet couldn't longer carry her. And that's when the voices started pointing out she was too heavy and definitely needed the running. Even if she could no longer feel her legs, she kept running like she was being chased. Emma could feel the dizziness start to surround her. At this point she couldn't feel a thing anymore. But the voices had stopped. Finally she was alone again. She made her way back to the apartment when her watch showed 6:13. As she stumbled into the hallway, dripping with sweat and legs trembling from exhaustion, she heard her mother's voice call out. Perfect. What was she doing her at this time of the day?

"What on earth have you been doing young lady?" Mary Margaret asked in an ever so slightly annoyed tone.

"I've been out running, if you can't tell that from just looking at me," Emma was too tired to put some fake emotion to her answer.

"At this time?"

"I'm staying in shape. Comes with my job".

"Are you eating properly? It looks like you are getting thinner, Emma. Are you sick?" Mary Margaret's face revealed the worry for her daughter. She wasn't blind to her daughter's recent activities. The fact that Emma always seemed to be either working out or drinking had both her and her husband sick with worry. They just didn't want to interact and by that perhaps make it worse.

"My eating is just fine. If you'll excuse me I have to shower before work". Emma started to make her way to the bathroom when she felt her mother grab her arm. She flinched and pulled back her arm.

"Today is Sunday, Emma", Mary Margaret stated as she tried meeting Emma's gaze. Even if she had just touched her arm for a second, she could feel how bony it was under the hoodie Emma was currently wearing.

"Yeah, I knew that", Emma mumbled before retreating to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.

* * *

Regina walked out of her office, finished for the day. She was getting more and more desperate, or maybe not desperate, anxious was the word she was looking for maybe. It had been a week since the dinner at her place, and every attempt she had made to talk with Emma, to hear what was going on with her, had been, surprisingly enough, very politely turned down. Regina had to stand on the side and watch as her friend, or whatever she should call her, isolated herself from her surroundings and got more closed off by every day that passed by. This behaviour called for more… Well, drastic interference if she had to be honest.

It was Thursday night, and she had already talked with Mary Margaret. Even if Regina didn't exactly enjoy the company of the other woman, she had let Henry stay with his grandparents, and Mary Margaret had begged Regina to help her daughter. If Regina was being honest with herself she thought that there was not exactly so much hope that _she_ of all people would be able to help Emma. But here she was; at Emma's doorstep on a Thursday night. An almost silent sigh escaped her lips as she knocked on the door and waited patiently for Emma to open.

The sight that met her was, as she had suspected, a not so very sober Emma. Regina wasn't stupid. She knew Emma was drinking more than what was normal for a working and well functioning woman.

"What are you doing here, Regina? Did my mother send you to check on me? Has she given up on me already? I would like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not actually…" Emma swayed a bit before leaning heavily on the doorframe to prevent her from stumbling down the stairs.

"Honestly, Emma. Say that your mother asked me to check on you, what makes you think I would actually do as she told me to?" Regina had to put on the emotionless mask in order not to show the worry that would have been written all over her face. Emma did indeed look ill, just like Mary Margaret had said.

"Fair enough. Come in if that's what you want. I'm just about to pop open the rum", Emma said as she made her way back to her living room.

Regina followed and raised her eyebrow a bit when she saw how much the other woman must had been drinking already. Another thing that made Regina a bit startled was the warmth that met her when she had entered the living room. It was like being in the middle of the desert, with hot wind blowing straight up her face. Maybe the blonde was actually getting sick, and nothing more serious than that. She sat down beside Emma on the couch and took the bottle from Emma's trembling hands.

"If you're here to make me stop drinking you might as well leave now".

"I was thinking more about pouring for both of us, but if you're insisting on stopping now I would be more than happy to join you on that adventure as well", Regina said as she poured the rum into two plastic cups. Very sophisticated, and so classic Emma. She already knew the answer to her statement, and didn't even bother to put the bottle down. If Emma was getting drunk (or should she say more drunk than she already was, so to say completely wasted) she might as well get drunk with her.

Emma took the plastic cup and brought it to her lips. Everything went down in one gulp. She waited for Regina to do the same before filling the cups again. And again. And again. And one more time. Emma loved the feeling of numbness that came over her when she drank like this. She felt invincible, like there were no problems too severe for her in this world. Of course she knew better. Tomorrow would be like the days she was getting so used to by now.

"It's hot in here", Regina suddenly stated.

"It's not. I'm freezing", Emma answered in a nonchalant tone.

That statement had Regina surprised. Emma was sitting there in what looked like layer on layer with clothing, and then the woman had just said she was freezing? In this temperature? Regina laid a hand on Emma's forehead to check for a fever. Emma threw herself backwards into the couch to avoid Regina's touch.

"I'm just checking if you're sick. Relax, dear". Regina's soothing voice made Emma calm down just a little bit, and when Regina once again touched her forehead she sat completely still and let her do it.

"You are indeed freezing, dear. What on earth is going on with you?" This time Regina couldn't hide the emotions in her voice. Emma hated it. She hated to feel like a burden and the reason why people were worrying. At the same time she enjoyed it. It was like a fake feeling of having somebody care for her. She knew it was fake, but that didn't make it feel any less good in that exact moment.

As Emma shook her head and started on a new serving with rum, Regina took a moment to take in the features of woman in front of her. Emma's face was pale. Her hair looked like it had lost all life, and was it thinner as well? It looked like it, but she couldn't be sure without actually touching it. Her cheeks were hollow, and the lips had a slight tint of blue to them, and so incredibly dry. She caught a glimpse of her collarbone. It pointed out, as it was as sharp as a blade, threatening to cut through her skin. But the worst part was her eyes. They were sunken into deep sockets, and accompanied by dark circles underneath. And even if Emma didn't look her in the eyes, she could see how there was no light, or that usual spark in them. It was just emptiness and hopelessness. It was as this was the first time Regina really _saw_ how fragile she looked, and it both scared her and sparked something inside of her.

"Don't look at me like that", Emma said barely audible.

"Like what?"

"Like you're trying to find flaws. It's not as you have to look at me very long to find them". Emma said this with both embarrassment and shame. She couldn't get herself to look up and meet the deep brown eyes that were looking at her.

"Have you eaten today?" Regina's question seemed to catch Emma off guard and she could almost see the defence go up inside of her. And of course, because Emma wasn't prepared for the question, she didn't have an answer ready.

Emma sat hunched forward, and wrapped her hands around her stomach. It looked as if she was defeated.

"You can't fix me, Regina", she said slowly, without looking up.

"I know", was all she said. Emma felt something she couldn't describe shoot through her body. It was not as if the answer was the wrong one, but she had hoped, just a tiny piece of her had hoped that the other woman would actually try. Not that it was her responsibility. Emma honestly didn't know what was going on with her feelings at this point. Regina seemed to notice the small change in Emma's reaction and scooted a bit closer to her before taking the blonde's pale blue hands into her own. They were freezing. Ice cold. Almost felt like a corps' fingers.

"I know I can't fix you. But it is just because there is nothing to fix. You are not broken. You do not need fixing, Emma. You are a smart, gorgeous and wonderful lady. I think you maybe just need some help realizing that yourself", Regina said as her eyes were fixed on Emma's face. And when those words escaped Regina's lips, Emma finally met her eyes. For a moment there was a flicker of hope in the blonde's eyes. As if she actually believed in what Regina had just said. And that was enough for the brunette. All she needed was that flicker of light, even if it was just there for a short moment.

Emma leaned into the brunette, as if she had given up on supporting her own weight anymore. She felt the arms of the older woman wrap around her, and just hold her.

"It's all I can think of. All day and all night. I'm not able to rest. Not even a single moment of peace. It's so exhausting", Emma was on the verge of tears now. Regina provided her with the sorely needed comfort, and she couldn't help but feel some kind of safety in her arms.

"I don't want you to see me like this, weak and struggling. I'm usually in control. In control of my emotions and the calories… And the voices", her words were barely a whisper as her body started shaking. She was freezing, she was exhausted and she was so tired of it all.

"I just want it to stop. I just need a minute with peaceful rest. Is that too much to ask for?" Regina figured the question was more to herself than to her, but she chose to answer either way.

"You can sleep now. I'll be here when you wake up". And that permission to rest was the only thing Emma needed right there. It felt good lying in Regina's arms, as the brunette stroked her back slowly. This kind of physical contact was something Emma wouldn't usually allow. But right now she was drained from the last week's events, and right there it felt like she might actually have a chance at going back. She could finally imagine what her life had been like without this dance with the devil.

Regina continued to stroke her back, and moved on to her hair as well. Her hair was thinner, as she had expected. But it was just hair, it would grow out again.

"Sleep now, dear. I won't leave you until you make me. And even then I won't go without a fight".


	4. Chapter 4

**Alright, I'm gonna take this from Emma's point of view and see how that goes. Let me know if you like it or hate it, eh? No pressure, but idk it would be cool to know what works.**

* * *

It turned out Regina kept her promise. At least that's what Emma thought when she woke up the next day, almost in Regina's lap. The brunette hadn't left her side when she slept through the night, and even now she was still keeping her hands wrapped around Emma as if to protect her from something.

As the effect of the alcohol had wore off, Emma suddenly felt sick from the contact. Then she remembered what happened last night, and how close she had been to a total breakdown. She was lucky enough to not get hangover from drinking, but in that moment she felt sick to the stomach, followed by a sudden urge to throw up.

The warmth from Regina was enough to make a small part of Emma want to stay where she was, but the other part of her brain, the one with the most control over her, told her to get away from the grip she had on her. As Emma retreated from her spot Regina woke up and looked at her.

"Did you sleep well?" was all she asked. Not even a simple 'good morning'. Was she suddenly not worthy of a good morning anymore? Not wanting to think about that any further, she simply nodded and avoided eye contact.

"We don't have work today. I figured you could use a day off", Regina continued. Emma felt anger rise to her cheeks when she heard this. How did she dare to simply give her a day off? Like a grounded little five year old.

"And you're here as my babysitter?" she asked with a tone soaked with bitterness.

"Emma, I – "

"I did sleep well, thank you. Now I need to shower", Emma said as she rose from the couch and turned around before the other woman got a chance to say anything else. She had to wash off the dirty feeling she could sense coming. As she stepped into the shower, she once again thought of what she had said last night. She regretted it. Oh how much she regretted opening up the way she did. It wasn't as she had said so much, but what she _had_ said and done was probably enough for Regina to start interfere with her life.

The hot water poured over her, and she parted her lips to let the water flood into her mouth. Down the throat, into her lungs, filling up her lungs making her unable to breathe. Drowning in the shower, what a relief that would have been. She wouldn't have to get up every morning and live through this kind of hell.

What was the reason with waking up every morning if every day was going to be the same? The same fight every day. It was a fight in her own mind, but it was like she was fighting with her body. The only thing was that she was paralyzed and not able to defend herself. She could feel this madness swallowing her, chewing her whole and spitting her out only to have her pretend that the bruises from being eaten alive wasn't there.

The more she thought about it the more she realized how helpless she was. It was like swimming without hands. How can you swim without hands? It was practically impossible. The only thing she could do was hold her breath and hope she would float.

But then came the starving. It wasn't like she knew she wasn't starving herself but she needed it. The starving was like her lifebuoy when she couldn't get her head above the water. The starving became her hands. It swam for her, kept her safe when the water surrounding her became too much.

Emma knew she didn't need anyone else, and she was going to fix last night's slip of mind as soon as she got downstairs again. If Regina was still there that was. When she came down Regina was in the kitchen, making eggs and bacon. When Emma entered the kitchen she turned around and smiled at her.

"I had to go to the store and get food as your shelves and fridge lack everything but carrots and celery, but I'm almost done with breakfast". Emma thought she had never felt that uncomfortable in her whole life before. What was she to do? The woman had made her breakfast, and she was almost done and it was expected from her to suck it up and eat it all with a smile.

"I'm vegan". The words were out of her mouth before she could even think twice about it. It was almost scary how lying came this easy to her. She knew, of course, that Regina wasn't that easily fooled, but it was just a natural response and she was so used to the line that it just fell from her mouth.

"Don't bother, dear. Remember that I know when you're lying".

"Look, I appreciate everything you did for me last night". Well, that's a lie. She didn't appreciate it at all. She felt horrible about last night. But she sure as hell wasn't going to tell Regina that.

"But I'm fine and I don't need your breakfast or your surveillance. You can go home to your house and pick up Henry after school and have your dinner in peace and… Please just go, Regina". Emma was starting to feel lightheaded but she almost didn't notice. She was so used to it that she didn't know what she would be without that feeling.

"I'm not leaving you, Emma! What part of that sentence didn't you understand last night?"

I can't have you here, Regina. I can't have you here, because I'm afraid I'll start crying and feel things again. Things I don't want to feel. I _can't_ have you here. I want you here, but I'm not ready to have you here, do you understand that Regina? All that was what Emma was going to say, what she wanted to say. She didn't.

"You're not wanted here, Regina. Get out!" was what finally came out of her.

"I don't care if you want me here or not. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Don't you see that? I know you're not as fine as you like to think you are. I know you don't feel as if you need my help, and maybe that's right, maybe you don't need _my_ help, but I'm the one who is here now and – "

"Stop". Emma could feel anger flare up inside of her. She needed Regina to shut up before she started to cry from frustration.

"No, you listen to me. I'm the one who is here now and, believe it or not; I care about your well-being. And if you think for one second –".

"Please stop talking".

"If you think for _one_ second, that I believe that bullshit about you being fine, you're wrong. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you seen yourself? The sad part is that I believe you have. But you don't see what I see. You don't see yourself – ". Regina was on fire now. Emma's eyes started to tear up as she kept on going. She had to stop. Emma couldn't take it if this went any longer

"For gods sakes shut up!" Her voice sounded angrier and louder than she intended it to. If Regina couldn't see how much she was struggling, she was obviously as blind as she claimed not to be.

"Emma, listen to me. If you won't listen to me I will have to find someone who can get through to you. Maybe your mother is a good option?"

"Stop talking! Just shut your mouth. Stop…. Stop… Just stop!" Emma took a shaky breath as she steadied herself at the counter. She knew Regina was watching, but she was dizzy now, so dizzy she knew it wouldn't last long before she was going to fall.

"I'm tired of everybody pretending to care and pretending to want to talk, when it's so very clear to me that nobody gives a fuck. Enough with pretending to care if I'm fine or not, I'm tired of it and I would very much appreciate it if you just leave me alone from now on", she said in a surprisingly calm tone. She folded her hands over her chest and stared at Regina. The brunette just slightly shook her head before gathering her belongings and gently shut the door behind her.

She was gone. Good. It was good, she was gone. And it was good. It was what she wanted. Emma couldn't have Regina in her apartment right now. Or maybe ever. But she wanted her there. How bad she wanted Regina to be by her side. She was probably the best friend Emma had, and she always seemed to genuinely care about her.

 _It's fake._

 _Don't let it fool you._

 _Stupid girl._

Exhaustion hit her hard as she went to clean the kitchen. She wanted to eat the food. She wanted it so bad. One part of her knew she needed some kind of nutrition to keep going. The other part told her that was what the carrots were for. The smell of eggs and bacon almost had her paralyzed and her stomach growled from going for two days without anything else than five carrots to fuel her.

Pride filled her when she thought about this achievement. It didn't last long.

 _You can do better._

 _Less carrots._

 _More days._

 _Less calories._

 _You need to do better._

When she realized she had been staring at the food for five minutes without moving, she looked at her watch. 9:57pm, her scheduled breakfast was in three minutes. Maybe just one single bite would be enough to shut up her stomach and the burning sensation within her intestines. At 10pm sharp she put a small bite of egg into her mouth. She chewed and chewed and chewed until it didn't taste anything. Then she went on with the bacon. Just a small bite.

She should have known better.

One small bite always turned into everything. It was either everything or nothing. She preferred nothing. Thinking about the cleanness of her bowels had always calmed her down. But they weren't clean anymore. They were filled with food. Ugly and sneaky calories.

She ran into the bathroom and locked the door. How silly. Locking the door when she was alone. Silly girl, she thought to herself.

There it was. Her reflection. She leaned up close to the mirror and looked at her face. She could feel the skin tightening and filling up with fat from the bacon. The calories just made their way to her ribs and hips and stomach. Her clothes were ripped off in an instant, and she started to check out every inch of herself. Still fat to pinch between her fingers. As she ran her hands over her collarbone and down to her ribs it was as she could feel the calories from the breakfast adding to the layer of fat that was already there.

Then she realized what she had said to Regina.

She realized what she had lost in the last fifteen minutes.

Gone were the two days of almost eating nothing.

Gone was Regina. Her best friend was gone.

All alone, once again.

She slowly sunk down to the bathroom floor and clung her arm tightly around her knees.

Then the tears started to fall. When they first started, she knew they wouldn't stop anytime soon.

 _Weak girl._

 _Weak, silly girl._

 _What a disappointment._

 _Can't even do a simple thing like avoiding eggs and bacon._

 _Worthless little girl._

 _Why do you even bother trying._

As the voice grew louder it got harder to breathe. She gasped for air as she cried herself into a sensation of numbness.

 _Don't bother waking up._

 _You're a failure._

She knew it was right. It was always right. That had been proven over and over again. Still, she didn't seem to learn from her mistakes. The crying wouldn't stop, even if she felt it as she had cried for days. And she knew… Emma knew she wouldn't get better. She had to learn how to live with this living nightmare all over again. With determination she pulled her knees closer to her chest. She was going to prove to them all, Regina, her mother and father and Henry, and everybody else, that she was a well functioning human being.

 _Silly girl._

 _What are you thinking._


End file.
